Process or the end result?

"If you don't stumble,you won't learn"

Everyone says this. Yes, I understand. But I really think I am always very "hak" generally in my life. Or did I actually miss counted my blessings? Or did I merely put myself in miserable situation? Come to think of it, I always find myself dealing with some kind of awful situations. Would you value the journey to the destination or the destination more than a journey? Probably you feel confused, perhaps I should say would you value the process more or the end result?

If I am asking for both to be valueable - the process and the end result, is it too much? Again, people said if you don't go through the hard life/process, you won't grow/learn. The malay saying "susah-susah dahulu, senang-senang kemudian'.

Just like the situation that I am having now. I threw RM 150 000 into my education and not enjoying my uni life (many external factors, is another post for another day) either not traveling much in Australia. This is done because for an oversea degree for a better life and better job in future. Now you see the process is not enjoyable but the future is more promising. Does it worth while? If uni life is enjoyable and the future is promising, this sounds so great right? Good things is never on my side.

If I were to look back and tell you some real life stories . . . I really could bring you to a very emotional situation. 

#1 : I was studying In Taylor's PJ before and I didn't really enjoyed as much as I should have. Probably that time I really missed out some fun, but not really, I did get a good friend after all. Maybe I was a bit emotional because my dadsy wasn't working, he lost his business and I was in freaking Taylor's. The same time I didn't like KL at all. And I did a diploma and was really hopeful to go oversea very much as I visualized myself to be happier in a better place of the world, away from Malaysia government for some time. As always, I felt miserable when I was taking the public transport, how inconvenient it would be and how inconsiderate of all those people in public. Again, I visualized Australians are more civilized.

#2 : After I grad diploma, I went back home to work for a year hoping to go oversea the following year. I knew that if I don't do this, I wouldn't have the chance to study oversea (maybe for masters, but again, I don't think I am that intelligient to go for it) and by that time my dadsy got a real good job therefore, I am where I am now. 

#3 : During the first year of work, (ended up 2 years all together because I miss the uni intake eventually) I was doing some odd jobs and then part time and then a full time job for like 3 months because the director was really bossy and typical chinese man, "do what I instruct, no opinions are accepted" and the attitude of "polish my shoes more and I will favour you more". I had really hard time to deal with people like that and quitted when I got another job in a hotel. The starting was quite OKAY I would say, not really fascinating or anything to be excited about, just that I don't have to worry of what to wear to work everyday and what to eat for lunch, as both were provided. Politics started to creep into my working life and I have been accused uncountable times for doing mistakes which I didn't do it and dealing with evil managers for making the subordinates suffered. The prime reason of them were to make my life under their controls like they scolded me and put me as the black sheep, the next day they brought me out for awesome lunch to buy my trust back. Take that shit! I were there for like a year more and then quitted to fly to Australia.

#4 Studying oversea has always been my dream since I was probably 15 or 16. I was chosen into Science class when I was 16 but my dadsy pulled it off and changed me to Commerce. It was because dadsy wasn't working and I actually gave him the plan of my tuitions that I needed to stay competative in the class until I sat for my high school certificate. Probably dadsy saw all the tuitions I had noted down and the amount he needed to pay was far more than he could afford at that time. As a dad, they wouldn't tell you that they couldn't afford to pay for your tuition when you were only 16 because they thought you wouldn't comprehend the hardship of earning money. Well, I think this is wrong. Instead my dadsy asked me what I wanted to be. I was 16, I wasn't sure which road I would want to take in the future and I haven't discovered my outstanding skills or interests just yet. For that reason, my dadsy thought I shouldn't study Science at all. It's the worst feeling ever when I got seperated from all my good friends that I've been together for the past 3 years in high school. Imagine that! 

#5 See where I am now . . . in Australia! That is something to be happy about, there is something to celebrate, don't you think so? This journey again didn't turn out to be the one that I have visualized before I got my feet in this foreign land. I am sure many of you would have watch lots of Hollywood movies and how all this uni students got together to studies, work part time, party and mingle around uni. Are all the movies just a myth and there were prolly just a show to put up? I don't get it at all. I didn't have a feel of that kind of uni moment in my life yet! And everything didn't work out so well as I have thought it would be since I arrived. For some reason, it had answered to a broken relationship that I don't think we will ever mend back anytime in the near future because everyone has changed. Changed!! No matter what blood connection we have ever since our ancestor or so, it is not a fact to keep us together, but is the world the way we perceived and whom chose to follow. Am I going too depth?

As I thought would it be worth to do all these and get an oversea degree and end in a debt that I didn't want too? If this is an enticing journey, I am 100% sure I don't mind paying that debt for such awesome once in a lifetime experience. Again it leads me to no where now but to F* this shit as there is no turning back but to get that expensive piece of paper to plan my life further for a great journey and promising future. I don't want to end up where I have been for all these years.

I guess this is the first time in my blog I actually wrote something so personal. Maybe because the psychology studies has creeped into some part of my life now.