23 December 2011

38th blog post

My title says it all. That's for 2011. 

This week supposed to be a jolly week but I really can't help it that this post is all about whinning. Totally didn't match the mood with the current celebrations. Not to spoil your mood, highly appreciates if you could just leave me here alone instead and continue your happy week. 

You all have seen how this blog was started with lots of fun and jolly happenings in the beginning and that is what the mission of this space of mine is served to do at it's best. So I would try to avoid melancholy posts or else decline blogging at all means. For that, I am always lost if not busy and sad if not happy (Duh!). 

Flashing back the whole year of 2011, I have intentionally and unintentionally spend most of my time pondering about L.I.F.E. The only times that I wasn't thinking about it, probably when my mind was shut down completely. But when the sun rises again, there I go thinking about life. AGAIN. I even feel disgusted about myself for feeling horrible on uncountable days till now and still I couldn't get over it. yet. I hate to repeat the sadness stories to my friends and everytime when they emailed/text/whatsapp me, they will start saying 'How are you feeling? Are you feeling better?' I know that they are concern about me but such statement in every freaking messages I received I need to lie and say "Yeah. Feeling better. I just don't wanna talk about it FULL STOP". Ok, maybe that FULL STOP doesn't exist, just to maintain that I am cool like that. 

Matters even got worst like when I told one friend about what I am feeling right now on the 23/12 at 5.00pm. Then maybe a day or two later, I am not feeling it anymore because I play cool like that (again) or at times I have succeeded to not think about it at least for like 6 hours, it is sort of a victory to me. fuckyeah.jpg. Then my phone rang! Aha! I can spend like the next one hour not to think about it because I have someone distracting my thoughts. But to my enourmous hope, I chuckled and was brought to kick back the bloody sad stories when at the other end of the line said 'I heard you are not feeling that well'. For that, all negative emotions rushing back to find the exact right place in the corner of my mind and start sitting there for a whole freaking day again. I am not blaming them when they asked because it shows they concern about me but really, I don't need that anymore and it hurts even more to talk about it. 

Having said that, I rarely or even try not to mention about it to anyone. There is one person, whom kept praising about how strong or brave I was through the times, in fact, the stories or there isn't any choice I could choose had made me to withstand. I am like a normal person in the outer look as if I could make it through and the innerself of me is completely at the rate of abnormal conditions. Numerous times, I have cried buckets of water and thought I will be better after that, but that better time never comes. Never. At the same time, I don't expect anyone to understand about my situation and I believe everyone has their own troubles and turbulences. 

I have done almost everything that I could to change my current situation but to no avail, it seems hopeless. And luck isn't on my side. Come to think about it, people that are always positive although they received a lot of backstabbing and gossiping eventually wouldn't hurt them spiritually because they have someone special supporting them and giving them encouragement. To conclude it, that special affection to that one person is ultimately important, even the family affection and encouragement is thus by far not as HIGH influential compared to the one special affection. To apply that theory, I think to be single (free from relationship shits) and available (without that special affection effect) would totally make a huge difference to what I have been through as the family affection and encouragement will be the top priority when there isn't anyone that I have to put some expectations and failed me in the transition of my melancholy days. #truestory 

For 2012, my resolution is certainly none other than happiness, which is to be one of the many happy jolly people in the world (even if I have to be single again. totally don't mind). For happiness to happen I would totally trade less blood-tied relationships for genuine friendship (less than 5 good enough) #truestory so that I can be happy. Also, I would trade for less wardrobe for happiness. To those of you whom are feeling like me, CHEERS for 2012 to be a good year ahead :)

Image stolen from here.